Today

Today is a new day.  My head and heart is clear.  I pray for understanding, patience and love to get through the day.

Happiness..... Staying Busy........Good thoughts.
My Mantra for the morning.

Get this out of my head

Sitting here today, vodka burning the pain away. I hope.
Melancholy......  Decisions..... Choices....  Where I am today?
Was it a dream, a fairy tale gone wrong?
Gave up?  Too soon....  Too late to save myself
Boredom brings on restlessness.
Restlessness makes me second guess myself.
Second guessing can be bad in my experience.

Leads to regret, remorse, reliving the past.
Is the past really gone?  Have I finally buried it deep enough?
Am I destined to re live the same mistakes, decisions, again and again?

Sadness......Tears.......Vodka..........
Tomorrow.....
Do I have patience to let God do his work?
Faith?
Knee Jerk reactions, decisions haunt me.,,,,

Is this where I belong?
Is this it?
Is my passion and feelings and love all gone.. Wasted away too many years ago?

Reminiscing about LOVE........  Feelings....
Was it ever real? Did I imagine it all?  Was it a 30 year nightmare or dream?
Am I strong enough to go on for real this time?
Did I blow it?  Did I burn those bridges?  Can't go back?
Do I want to go back?  Does he think of me?
Does he regret?  I regret....  But was it real?
How does the future play out?  Never imagined a life without him.
Didn't know I could exist without him.
Am I strong enough to live?
How do I live with my fears?  Wondering if I can,
What does life look like?  What is real happiness?
What is real?  Do other people do this dance?  Do you hear my music?
Does it play the same for you?

Was it all a lie...... A sickness...... Imagined.........
I need a new tune maybe.....  Something with less tragedy.
Something sweet.  Flowers and rivers and butterflies..
Soft.. slow...everlasting...
Daisies, and fairies dancing on the wind.
The smell of magnoilia intoxicates me.
I am drunk on the serene beauty, the quiet contemplation the possibilities.
Fireflys and frogs, little fish little fish are you the next meal.
Songbirds.....gentle breezes.... warmth.
Where are the birds of prey?
Can you smell it?  The weakness....  Is this real?
Am I doomed to this tragedy?
Little bird little bird tell me story.........

WHY does this have to hurt

I need to know why a human being would bring a little person into my family, Supposed to be my sons baby and my granddaughter and then out of spite take her away and come forth with the truth, she wasn't ours.  Promise to let me be a grandma still and then lie and cut off all communications.  Annikki Ford you and your family are the most evil corrupt people.

Violet loves me and I love her.  I was the best grandma to her and would have done anything, given anything.  You took her away and cut us out of her life out of your immature spite.  You don't even know who the father is.  We love her anyway.  Genetics don't matter.

I am broken.  Never to be again.  My heart and soul are black and you are the reason why.

God...  I don't know anymore

Another Birthday

Well on the 22nd I turned 44.  I have always hated my birthday and most holidays as during my marriage much contention and unhappiness happened during these time.  But this year as I prepared myself to hate the day I had to reflect on the changes that have occurred in only a year.  Life for me is a better place.  I can see the dawn on most days.  I have goals and a plan to achieve them.  Dating someone but who knows where that will go. The companionship is nice though and he is just as picky as I am.  HA HA.  Looking forward to the future. 

"The error of the past is the wisdom of the future"

Fear and Other things that hold us back

Well as I worked last night, cleaning at the coal mine, I spend my solitude thinking and talking to myself. 

I have learned so much about myself lately and continue to do so.  My fear of change, fear of failure, fear of living has kept me from growing and doing my whole life.  My fear of letting go of John kept me in an abusive relationship, kept me stifled and under raps. 

I am trying to learn to jump, let go and take risks.  I have dreams and goals and sometimes I am afraid of my own fear.  Afraid that my fear will cause me to fail. 




Ralph Waldo Emerson said “In order to learn the important lessons in life, one must, each day, surmount a fear.”

Reflections

Mmmm.  I sit here today thinking about my current situation and wondering how in the hell did I get here.  Its been a rough go of it this last year.  My marriage ended.  Well...  I think I just finally had the courage to walk away for good this time.  Dealing with the addiction and drug use in my family.  Trying to save my Granddaughter.  Looking back at my life and feeling sad...  Angry...  Life Wasted.....  All the what if's. 


Scars Remind Us Where We Have Been.  They Don't Have To Dictate Where We Are Going.

My life is full of scars.  Right now full of regret and sadness.  Most days I look try to look forward to the future.  The potential.......  Today not so much......