Today

Today is a new day.  My head and heart is clear.  I pray for understanding, patience and love to get through the day.

Happiness..... Staying Busy........Good thoughts.
My Mantra for the morning.

Get this out of my head

Sitting here today, vodka burning the pain away. I hope.
Melancholy......  Decisions..... Choices....  Where I am today?
Was it a dream, a fairy tale gone wrong?
Gave up?  Too soon....  Too late to save myself
Boredom brings on restlessness.
Restlessness makes me second guess myself.
Second guessing can be bad in my experience.

Leads to regret, remorse, reliving the past.
Is the past really gone?  Have I finally buried it deep enough?
Am I destined to re live the same mistakes, decisions, again and again?

Sadness......Tears.......Vodka..........
Tomorrow.....
Do I have patience to let God do his work?
Faith?
Knee Jerk reactions, decisions haunt me.,,,,

Is this where I belong?
Is this it?
Is my passion and feelings and love all gone.. Wasted away too many years ago?

Reminiscing about LOVE........  Feelings....
Was it ever real? Did I imagine it all?  Was it a 30 year nightmare or dream?
Am I strong enough to go on for real this time?
Did I blow it?  Did I burn those bridges?  Can't go back?
Do I want to go back?  Does he think of me?
Does he regret?  I regret....  But was it real?
How does the future play out?  Never imagined a life without him.
Didn't know I could exist without him.
Am I strong enough to live?
How do I live with my fears?  Wondering if I can,
What does life look like?  What is real happiness?
What is real?  Do other people do this dance?  Do you hear my music?
Does it play the same for you?

Was it all a lie...... A sickness...... Imagined.........
I need a new tune maybe.....  Something with less tragedy.
Something sweet.  Flowers and rivers and butterflies..
Soft.. slow...everlasting...
Daisies, and fairies dancing on the wind.
The smell of magnoilia intoxicates me.
I am drunk on the serene beauty, the quiet contemplation the possibilities.
Fireflys and frogs, little fish little fish are you the next meal.
Songbirds.....gentle breezes.... warmth.
Where are the birds of prey?
Can you smell it?  The weakness....  Is this real?
Am I doomed to this tragedy?
Little bird little bird tell me story.........

WHY does this have to hurt

I need to know why a human being would bring a little person into my family, Supposed to be my sons baby and my granddaughter and then out of spite take her away and come forth with the truth, she wasn't ours.  Promise to let me be a grandma still and then lie and cut off all communications.  Annikki Ford you and your family are the most evil corrupt people.

Violet loves me and I love her.  I was the best grandma to her and would have done anything, given anything.  You took her away and cut us out of her life out of your immature spite.  You don't even know who the father is.  We love her anyway.  Genetics don't matter.

I am broken.  Never to be again.  My heart and soul are black and you are the reason why.

God...  I don't know anymore