Fear and loathing

Well here I am.  I can be such a mess.  Recently bounced back to my ex husband and upon deciding that we were indeed divorced for a reason I bounced back to my boyfriend of 2 years.  Well that being said I find myself in yet another quandary.

I am unsatisfied with my life.  I want things.  I want to be near my girls.  I also want my son to be closer too.  Therein one of the problems.  Getting him to come along and be closer to his sisters and the rest of the family.  I do sincerely believe that bringing everyone geographically closer in a step in the right direction

Yes I have found love.  Again at my age but I want something different.  I want to be a hands on Grandma.  I want to close to my parents.  I just don't think I will have that being here.

I am more of an indentured servant.  Everything is his way.  His house, his vehicles and he doesn't really like the fact that I got a part time job.  I have to ask him when I need stuff if we can get it when we go shopping.  My pickup truck is broke right now but he is being very insistent in his way that his friend would like it, this same friend that has an AR-15 that he wants.  And keeps hinting that his friend wants to trade stuff.  Yea but where does that leave me.  No wheels, living in his house under his thumb with no way of my own.  I just cannot in good conscience give up that last bit of my independence.

I hate the fact that at 46 I have shitty credit, still going to college, no pot of my own to piss in, that due to my ex husband I have a huge shared debt to the IRS.  I don't own shit anymore.  Well I have a dog.  A dog that I love and adore.  I feel like I need to stretch my wings and go get my own life.  My own stuff.  My own retirement.  My own way in this world.

I'm living with a guy who by his own word will not marry me because of the IRS shit with  my ex.  But I think its more than that.  Everything is his and I have nothing of my own.

I'm trying not to be so materialistic but life can change in an instant and I could be left with no where to go.  I need to plan for me.

I am poison

Well sitting here feeling sorry for myself and it hit me.  I beg and plead with God.  Sometimes on a daily basis.  I couldn't understand why I had to lose a place in Violets life, why I always live far away from my grandkids, so far away from my family.  Why I fail!! Why I have nothing.  Why I am nothing.  Even God knows that I am no good.  No good for Violet, no good for the other Grandkids.  No good.  That's All.  Even God knows I don't deserve.  Holy shit the answer is there in front my face.  WOW.  I am poison to all those around me. 

Sitting here awaiting the arrival of my very first finals week.  One of many to come, I ponder the age-old question, where do you see yourself in x amount of years?  I have a plan, well lets say I think I have a plan.  Get through school, one semester at a time.  Live daily one day at a time.  Plan one day at a time.  Career paths are open and changing from one day to another. Life is quick and unrelenting.  Life is cruel and unforgiving.  I should be so much farther ahead in life.  I mean really I think I have made every bad choice out there.  From marriages to jobs to everything. I have nothing to show for my life.  Nothing at all.  I have pissed away my youth, my beauty, my brains.  I am stuck in montana living with a guy.  Nothing of my own.  Hell I don't even own a plate.  That's how fucked I got in my last divorce.  Wow that fucking pecker head ex husband of mine would be rolling right now upon hearing about how fucked I am.  Really.  WOW  I need to blow this popsicle joint.  I need to convince my son to go back home with me.  Home where we have family because we have nothing here.  Not a thing.  FML. 

You know I don't have much.  Hell right now I don't own a pot to piss in, my credit is shot, I own a shitty old car that barely runs and I have made every mistake in the book.  If I could go back and do my life all over again I would do everything different.  I would have good credit, I would have gone to college in my 20's not my 40's, I would have been a better example for my children.

Instead here I am.  Two years post divorce number 3 from the same man.  This time I think I finally learned my lesson though.  Took me long enough.  But here I am.  Living with a guy.  I don't have a pot to piss in.  Going to college.  Thank God for financial aid.  Living life on a prayer.  My 23 year old son is staying with my boyfriend and I since he got out of drug rehab.  He has no where to go either.  And now I have pissed the bf off.  I guess I will never learn to shut my pie hole. 

I sold my camper to my brother so I really have no backup plan right now.  I quit my job.  I guess I was feeling warm and comfy and getting used to the idea of being kept.  HA HA.  Fucking joke.  As usual I find out on a drunken piss parade and from his mouthy buddy that he's got issues with me.  With me not working.  Well for the record I don't ask him for anything.  I have been living off the money I have put away over the last few months.  When he asked me to move in he said he has to pay his bills either way so why not move in with him.  I am running blind.  No real instructions or rules.  I am used to a way different life.  Not a healthy one by any means.  But different none the less. 

Same shit different man!  Men are all about its all theirs. They are the only ones who have worked for it so I guess I went into this whatever it is, with the attitude that I wasn't contributing to his shit.  I listened to this shit my whole married life and I just don't have it in me to put myself fully into anything knowing that what I do amounts to nothing and doesn't matter or count in the long run.  So I guess I doomed us from the beginning.  Hmm  Food for thought. 

Now I have to brainstorm.  Get myself off the pity pot.  Do something.  Make a plan.  Fix my future.  Create a future.  Create something for me.  Something I can be proud of.

My son

Well my son has been in rehab for about 2 weeks now.  Its family week and I am very proud of his progress.  My hope is that he learns some new techniques for coping with life. 

My son is truly the light of my life and I want nothing but the best for him.  I hope that with the help of this program and counseling he can heal himself. 

Melancholy

Sometimes I am prone to becoming a bit melancholy about my life.  Like take my former marriage for example.  I spent a day or so reminiscing, feeling emotional about some things and then WHAM reality hit me. 

Yes I miss the intimacy that you can only really truly have with someone you have been with for so many years.  The sex, yes I miss that sometimes.  I guess when you have spent so much time and experimentation with one person you miss that.  But really I think that is only one sided as I know he has been just as equally adventurous and dirty with others beside myself.  So the conclusion is that yes I miss that but it is possible to develop this with another. 

My ex is an advantageous LIAR.  The stories he tells, the sides he jumps from and to are completely unbelievable.  He states all his shit was stolen and in a new and complete sentence his shit was in Utah at his sisters.  He makes deals with people, his own family most of the time, uses people and when they are no longer useful to him, he will turn on you.  He lies like most people breathe. 

Our IRS taxes are his responsibility, it says so in our divorce decree.  One of the main reasons I walked away from our marital home, but tells me now that I should negotiate with the IRS.  As they don't care from whom they get the money from.  So yes I will deal with them so I can move on with my life but do take note I will go back and petition the courts for a cut of the sale of the marital home. 

One of these days I am going to scan the police reports from his ridiculous meth induced dui where our brand new truck was burned down.  Seriously good reading and a look into the mind of a fucking dirtbag.

Our children have been manipulated and used by him.  They are only useful to him when the circumstances are to be in his favor.  He only misses and wants to be a dad and grandpa when it benefits him somehow.  Our daughter is blinded by his bull shit, as she had daddy issues and our son is just damaged and sees his dad for the loser he is. 

Now the ex is involved with a younger girl with a young son.  I can see her getting knocked up!  Funny for me because he is 46 and will be wrangled down to raise a new kid that he can only damage like he did his own children.  Not to mention the damage he will do to a kid that's not his blood. 

You know all the worst characteristics that his father possessed and he himself had Daddy issues with, he now has.  Congratulations JOHN BOEKE you have now become your father.  In all aspects.  YOU ARE A WIFE BEATER, ALCOHOLIC, DRUG ADDICT, FELON, CRIMINAL, MANIPULATER, LIAR, THIEF, BAD FATHER, USER, AND DOWN RIGHT A BAD PERSON.  YOU BECAME YOUR FATHER.  YOU ARE THE WORST OF YOUR WHOLE DNA MAKEUP. 

I know my predictions will come to fruition.  Watch and see.

In the meantime he will hang himself.   

Miss Violet

I don't think one can begin to understand the pain I have in my being.  I miss Violet so much.  Its been since September and I have not seen her.  Annikki cut off contact with me and for some reason today is very hard.  I look at her pictures, remember her smile, I can hear her laughter and my heart is in pieces.  I am her Grandma.  I was there from the beginning.  I took her in and loved her with every part of my being. 
I don't understand why I had to be cut from her life.  Like I didn't matter, like she was never a part of my heart and soul.  I do not know how people can go on after losing a little one.  I feel like I have lost a part of me.  I fear I will never be the same ever again. WHY?  I am not a bad person,  I am not a bad grandma.  I gave her everything.   I would give anything to see her again. 

This is one sad Grandma.