Fear and loathing

Well here I am.  I can be such a mess.  Recently bounced back to my ex husband and upon deciding that we were indeed divorced for a reason I bounced back to my boyfriend of 2 years.  Well that being said I find myself in yet another quandary.

I am unsatisfied with my life.  I want things.  I want to be near my girls.  I also want my son to be closer too.  Therein one of the problems.  Getting him to come along and be closer to his sisters and the rest of the family.  I do sincerely believe that bringing everyone geographically closer in a step in the right direction

Yes I have found love.  Again at my age but I want something different.  I want to be a hands on Grandma.  I want to close to my parents.  I just don't think I will have that being here.

I am more of an indentured servant.  Everything is his way.  His house, his vehicles and he doesn't really like the fact that I got a part time job.  I have to ask him when I need stuff if we can get it when we go shopping.  My pickup truck is broke right now but he is being very insistent in his way that his friend would like it, this same friend that has an AR-15 that he wants.  And keeps hinting that his friend wants to trade stuff.  Yea but where does that leave me.  No wheels, living in his house under his thumb with no way of my own.  I just cannot in good conscience give up that last bit of my independence.

I hate the fact that at 46 I have shitty credit, still going to college, no pot of my own to piss in, that due to my ex husband I have a huge shared debt to the IRS.  I don't own shit anymore.  Well I have a dog.  A dog that I love and adore.  I feel like I need to stretch my wings and go get my own life.  My own stuff.  My own retirement.  My own way in this world.

I'm living with a guy who by his own word will not marry me because of the IRS shit with  my ex.  But I think its more than that.  Everything is his and I have nothing of my own.

I'm trying not to be so materialistic but life can change in an instant and I could be left with no where to go.  I need to plan for me.