I am poison

Well sitting here feeling sorry for myself and it hit me.  I beg and plead with God.  Sometimes on a daily basis.  I couldn't understand why I had to lose a place in Violets life, why I always live far away from my grandkids, so far away from my family.  Why I fail!! Why I have nothing.  Why I am nothing.  Even God knows that I am no good.  No good for Violet, no good for the other Grandkids.  No good.  That's All.  Even God knows I don't deserve.  Holy shit the answer is there in front my face.  WOW.  I am poison to all those around me. 

Sitting here awaiting the arrival of my very first finals week.  One of many to come, I ponder the age-old question, where do you see yourself in x amount of years?  I have a plan, well lets say I think I have a plan.  Get through school, one semester at a time.  Live daily one day at a time.  Plan one day at a time.  Career paths are open and changing from one day to another. Life is quick and unrelenting.  Life is cruel and unforgiving.  I should be so much farther ahead in life.  I mean really I think I have made every bad choice out there.  From marriages to jobs to everything. I have nothing to show for my life.  Nothing at all.  I have pissed away my youth, my beauty, my brains.  I am stuck in montana living with a guy.  Nothing of my own.  Hell I don't even own a plate.  That's how fucked I got in my last divorce.  Wow that fucking pecker head ex husband of mine would be rolling right now upon hearing about how fucked I am.  Really.  WOW  I need to blow this popsicle joint.  I need to convince my son to go back home with me.  Home where we have family because we have nothing here.  Not a thing.  FML. 

You know I don't have much.  Hell right now I don't own a pot to piss in, my credit is shot, I own a shitty old car that barely runs and I have made every mistake in the book.  If I could go back and do my life all over again I would do everything different.  I would have good credit, I would have gone to college in my 20's not my 40's, I would have been a better example for my children.

Instead here I am.  Two years post divorce number 3 from the same man.  This time I think I finally learned my lesson though.  Took me long enough.  But here I am.  Living with a guy.  I don't have a pot to piss in.  Going to college.  Thank God for financial aid.  Living life on a prayer.  My 23 year old son is staying with my boyfriend and I since he got out of drug rehab.  He has no where to go either.  And now I have pissed the bf off.  I guess I will never learn to shut my pie hole. 

I sold my camper to my brother so I really have no backup plan right now.  I quit my job.  I guess I was feeling warm and comfy and getting used to the idea of being kept.  HA HA.  Fucking joke.  As usual I find out on a drunken piss parade and from his mouthy buddy that he's got issues with me.  With me not working.  Well for the record I don't ask him for anything.  I have been living off the money I have put away over the last few months.  When he asked me to move in he said he has to pay his bills either way so why not move in with him.  I am running blind.  No real instructions or rules.  I am used to a way different life.  Not a healthy one by any means.  But different none the less. 

Same shit different man!  Men are all about its all theirs. They are the only ones who have worked for it so I guess I went into this whatever it is, with the attitude that I wasn't contributing to his shit.  I listened to this shit my whole married life and I just don't have it in me to put myself fully into anything knowing that what I do amounts to nothing and doesn't matter or count in the long run.  So I guess I doomed us from the beginning.  Hmm  Food for thought. 

Now I have to brainstorm.  Get myself off the pity pot.  Do something.  Make a plan.  Fix my future.  Create a future.  Create something for me.  Something I can be proud of.